Listening to: Pretty Little Foot, Rising Appalachia
I need to share what's on my mind. Thinking of self love and what it will take to feel it. A friend spoke with a spiritual teacher this weekend whose answer to the same question was, 'just BECOME love!' But wtf does that mean?
I'm back on the mainland and reimmersing myself in my practice. It feels incredible to move, to breathe, to sweat and release some of the funk that's been holding me back. It feels sad to experience the heartbreak that accompanied the loss of a partner and an island relationship that totally transformed my life. Hawai'i is not just a place, it's a spirit; it was not just a home, it was the birthplace of my relationship with the Great Mother Earth and her magic.
I spent my last month on the garden island of Kaua'i, in a valley that was accessible only by hike or by boat. After three weeks in the wild, bathing in rivers and running barefoot through the trails, singing to the land and weaving wildflowers through my hair, climbing cliffs and praying to the sun, the moon and the stars, I hiked out to get supplies. Eight miles into my hike I hurt my knee, which I took as a clear message to slow down before I move forward. I slept on the beach that night and it rained, which meant I was cold, and it became very clear
It was time to come home.
I cried. I protested. I did not want to leave. But I felt that the push was from Hawai'i herself, from the Mother Spirit I had come to know and to love, and not the watery spirit of Kaua'i but the fire of the Big Island volcano itself.
I trusted her deeply.
So I followed her guidance. And with the last of my money, bought a plane ticket home.
I want to speak a word on this guidance: guidance from the Mother. The wisdom of the Mother is different than guidance from God, though in the garden they're one and the same. Guidance from the mother is guidance from nature, from the parts of the world that want us to create, or as Nahko Bear would say to "make the movement move."
The tears I shed were for the loss of something blissful and magic: a land where its spirit lives on, and whose people are connected, conscious and awake. I cried for my fire, wondering why I wasn't content just to live a life of bliss and harmony with the land.
Was there something wrong with me?
What was calling to me?
Was it a call to action or something in me that needed to be healed?
I've been home three weeks now.
I've spent most of my time in nature but have found myself struggling with old patterns of addiction and self abuse. I've relied on tobacco to ground me and help numb the pain. My dad would say, what pain? What could be so bad? And what's all this talk about healing?
The pain I feel is the pain of the Mother, which is the pain of the Earth and the pain of my body. It is a pain that comes from having experienced and now missing wild nature in all its raw beauty, and the magic that's available when we're in that space. It is the pain of still wanting to destroy myself even when immersed in earthly paradise. It is the pain of loving the other more than you love you. It is the pain of returning to a place you used to call home, and feeling shocked by the consumer culture, and feeling the deep desire to help others reconnect in the ways that you recently have. It is the pain of the Mother, the pain of the people, the pain of a culture that's lost its connection to Source, to Nature, and to one another. It's the pain of a country at war, a culture at war,
But I'm home and I'm back where I started.
I want to sleep under the stars and drink water from the streams. The water here tastes like chemicals and talk is all 'uber this,' 'fit bit that,' 'Bruce Jenner is Caitlyn,' etc. I miss talks of adventure and wild dreaming and that conscious cultural connection. But the world is my mirror and I''m back where I started, to heal my relationship to SELF
To my body,
My earth.
I see the foam collect at the shore break and remember the ways in which I pollute my body. I spark the flame and remember that all right action comes from an open heart. In moments I feel the sadness within my heart, and in these times when I choose to numb the pain I know it
I'm running away.
I ran away,
and I'm back where I started.
Self Love
It takes courage to find it.
Self Love
I embark to find thee.
Let us all feel the love of Self in our heart and purify our relationships with one another and our planet. Let us be free of old habits of distraction, destruction and avoidance, birthing within us the courage to confront the challenges of our time. Let us embody our divinity and express it through love for our body, our home and our earth. In the words of Yogi Bhajan let us "travel light; live light; be the light."
Sat Nam &
Namaste
I need to share what's on my mind. Thinking of self love and what it will take to feel it. A friend spoke with a spiritual teacher this weekend whose answer to the same question was, 'just BECOME love!' But wtf does that mean?
I'm back on the mainland and reimmersing myself in my practice. It feels incredible to move, to breathe, to sweat and release some of the funk that's been holding me back. It feels sad to experience the heartbreak that accompanied the loss of a partner and an island relationship that totally transformed my life. Hawai'i is not just a place, it's a spirit; it was not just a home, it was the birthplace of my relationship with the Great Mother Earth and her magic.
I spent my last month on the garden island of Kaua'i, in a valley that was accessible only by hike or by boat. After three weeks in the wild, bathing in rivers and running barefoot through the trails, singing to the land and weaving wildflowers through my hair, climbing cliffs and praying to the sun, the moon and the stars, I hiked out to get supplies. Eight miles into my hike I hurt my knee, which I took as a clear message to slow down before I move forward. I slept on the beach that night and it rained, which meant I was cold, and it became very clear
It was time to come home.
I cried. I protested. I did not want to leave. But I felt that the push was from Hawai'i herself, from the Mother Spirit I had come to know and to love, and not the watery spirit of Kaua'i but the fire of the Big Island volcano itself.
I trusted her deeply.
So I followed her guidance. And with the last of my money, bought a plane ticket home.
I want to speak a word on this guidance: guidance from the Mother. The wisdom of the Mother is different than guidance from God, though in the garden they're one and the same. Guidance from the mother is guidance from nature, from the parts of the world that want us to create, or as Nahko Bear would say to "make the movement move."
The tears I shed were for the loss of something blissful and magic: a land where its spirit lives on, and whose people are connected, conscious and awake. I cried for my fire, wondering why I wasn't content just to live a life of bliss and harmony with the land.
Was there something wrong with me?
What was calling to me?
Was it a call to action or something in me that needed to be healed?
I've been home three weeks now.
I've spent most of my time in nature but have found myself struggling with old patterns of addiction and self abuse. I've relied on tobacco to ground me and help numb the pain. My dad would say, what pain? What could be so bad? And what's all this talk about healing?
The pain I feel is the pain of the Mother, which is the pain of the Earth and the pain of my body. It is a pain that comes from having experienced and now missing wild nature in all its raw beauty, and the magic that's available when we're in that space. It is the pain of still wanting to destroy myself even when immersed in earthly paradise. It is the pain of loving the other more than you love you. It is the pain of returning to a place you used to call home, and feeling shocked by the consumer culture, and feeling the deep desire to help others reconnect in the ways that you recently have. It is the pain of the Mother, the pain of the people, the pain of a culture that's lost its connection to Source, to Nature, and to one another. It's the pain of a country at war, a culture at war,
But I'm home and I'm back where I started.
I want to sleep under the stars and drink water from the streams. The water here tastes like chemicals and talk is all 'uber this,' 'fit bit that,' 'Bruce Jenner is Caitlyn,' etc. I miss talks of adventure and wild dreaming and that conscious cultural connection. But the world is my mirror and I''m back where I started, to heal my relationship to SELF
To my body,
My earth.
I see the foam collect at the shore break and remember the ways in which I pollute my body. I spark the flame and remember that all right action comes from an open heart. In moments I feel the sadness within my heart, and in these times when I choose to numb the pain I know it
I'm running away.
I ran away,
and I'm back where I started.
Self Love
It takes courage to find it.
Self Love
I embark to find thee.
Let us all feel the love of Self in our heart and purify our relationships with one another and our planet. Let us be free of old habits of distraction, destruction and avoidance, birthing within us the courage to confront the challenges of our time. Let us embody our divinity and express it through love for our body, our home and our earth. In the words of Yogi Bhajan let us "travel light; live light; be the light."
Sat Nam &
Namaste